To update or not to update.....that is the question

So here's the thing. We start out with letters, finely crafted communication. Thoughtful, expressive, flowing freely, in your own hand writing, personal.  Then we  had typewriters, not quite the same when it's not handwritten but well.....okay.  The spelling got a little worse, the prose a little sloppier, but we still communicated in sentences, formed paragraphs, transitioned together to form something fairly cohesive.  Then came email, and spell check, and quick messages 'shot' off to one another.  Quick exchanges, intimacies without the subtleties, without  formalities, convenient and easy to stay connected to both your inner and outer circles. 

Now we've moved on to sites like myspace and facebook.  We don't generally exchange messages.  We blog, we check little boxes to indicate what our mood is at that particular moment.  We even post little smilies to represent that mood whether we feel morose, irritated, ecstatic.   Or we update our status with a few sentences about what we are thinking, observing, feeling.  The most recent is Twitter.....updates in 140 characters or less. "Twitter puts you in control and becomes a modern antidote to information overload."  All this so we can stay "hyper-connected".   And yet I wonder about how meaningful all that hyper-connectivity is.

How in the HELL did she get back in???

My inner voice is a traitorous bitch indeed. Constantly telling me I can do this and that, such potential for greatness but then telling me I'll never reach it. Harping on what I haven't accomplished, never acknowledging what I have.  That I'm good at this or that....but never good enough. Certainly not good enough to be loved by someone else. She says it's not about being thin or what the number is, but that you're fit and healthy and able to do all the things you want, and then turns around and says I won't get anywhere because I'm not slim, not pretty. Why would she want to hurt me, it certainly is no benefit to her.  Some sick and twisted  manipulation.  Masochistic really. 

'It's been awhile.....'

And now that Staind song is in my head...(better then copacabana which has been driving me bonkers all day!)...Aaron Lewis truly has a sexy singing voice.....at least he did when I saw him many.....many.......years ago.

Uhhh.....uhhhh......helloooo.....is this thing on.....maybe it's better if it's not.  Better to get it all out or keep it all in.....how much to share is always a struggle.  You let it all out and leave yourself completely vulnerable.  You keep it all in and you systematically lock yourself away from everyone.  What's the balance between sharing how you feel about a situation with someone and holding those feelings in.  Generally, when you care for someone you avoid inflicting any kind of pain or discomfort if possible.  But since it's uncomfortable to you as well you choose to say nothing out of a sense of self preservation.  Not so altruistic is it.  Personally, I prefer the truth. Even if there's confusion and no real answer, I want to know what the other person is thinking.  And when people are not forthcoming I wonder how far to push.  How patient are you supposed to be when you are effected by uncertainty in a relationship......whatever the relationship....friend, lover, coworker.  

Just cleaning up and posting some old unfinished posts.....

My toes were in the Pacific this morning.  A little over a month ago I was watching the sunrise in the Florida Keys.   The warm, clear, blue water of the Atlantic at my feet. In between these two oceans were: mountains, friends, family, the kindness of strangers, not so kind strangers, long lonely roads, roads I hope to make it back to, self acceptance, gratitude, wonder, and a herd of buffalo. 

I've come full circle so to speak.  I got back a few weeks ago and started back to work. Broke as hell!!!   And though it all seems surreal as I sit at my desk sorting through old email, it's familiar.  It's consuming.  It's thrown me back into a state of uncertainty about what to do next.  Best to take action in those moments of clarity because they don't usually last very long!! 

This little adventure was not what I had expected.  When I planned my 'escape' it was with thoughts of exotic places, and foreign languages.  Lofty ideas of traipsing around the world.  It turns out that wasn't what this trip was going to be about.  That said....experiencing the US was more of an adventure than I had thought it would be. And I am grateful to have had the opportunity.  When I left it was with so many things left unfinished, and tidying things up a bit took longer than I thought. Lining up those damn ducks just seems to elude me......one of these days those ducks are going to be in for a big surprise which ends with a big dinner.  Of course I've learned...over...and..over...and over again that you can plan all you want but.....well......you've heard all the the sayings. And though I know that....I still try to plan....silly sarah....but I have learned with traveling, as with most things to try and check the expectations at the door or else I end up in a world of hurt.  I still fail miserably at this on occasion but, not so much with this trip. And it's always later, usually when you least expect it, that you find out the significance of your experiences.  It has been a strange journey.  

Plans shot to hell.....again

With my acceptance to UNR a slew of considerations have cropped up. The most pressing being the out of state tuition.  When I applied I had hoped to be classified as a Western Undergraduate Exchange student.  If I had been I would pay 150% of UNR's per unit fee.  But, at this point I am classified as a straight non resident which means I pay the per unit fee plus a $5,200 fee per semester. Big, huge, ginormous difference in affordability. What has happened is that there is a  minimum cumulative gpa and I am .037 grade points below it.  F#^#%$^!  I am so frustrated.  

what to do, what to do.  My thought is that if I take 8 semester units somewhere this fall, and get A's, it bumps my gpa up over the limit and they have to include them in my transfer gpa. But do they have to?? (I have emailed the question to the admission folks but no reply yet) Because Fall semesters have started, and I'm in Florida my options are limited to online or correspondence, and UNR has independent learning classes through their extended studies. 

Besides where to live, work, money, length of time there.  what am i even doing??!!

Feelings...nothing more than.....feelings....

A couple of weeks ago I got on the computer to check my application status for UNR. I logged on to my little admissions web page but the stupid thing just said 'we have received the materials needed in order begin reviewing you application, please allow 5-7 days for processing. I waited a couple more days to check again but it was the same message. Just to see, I followed the links that said 'already admitted'. I entered the info they asked for and lo and behold I was assigned an email and I could sign on to their 'epaws' system.  BUT..... no update on the admissions page, not a letter, nada.  I thought that I must have gotten in, they had my transcripts and all of the courses that transferred figured out, but I needed something in black and white, something that said yes or no. Finally, when I got back here and there was still nothing, I called and left a message..... no response. Then I emailed and when I checked the admissions page the next day, it said this instead: Congratulations you have been admitted to the University of Nevada, Reno.

WOOOHOOO!! HOLY CRAP!!!

Just thinking about it makes the corners of my mouth pull up a bit. It just feels like the right thing. I looked at so many different options: MSWs, teacher credential programs, Geography MA's, Environmental Science MS's, Applied Anthropology, Environmental Anthropology,  and they just weren't quite right.  I could get accepted to them, I could complete them, but I just couldn't commit to them.

Plus, it's taken me a while to be okay with leaving my very decent paying, reliable, comfortable job/career  to pursue something completely different.  It's been okay doing what I've been doing. I love working with the kids, and I've felt good working in a position that's contributing to society in a very real way. Even if  it wasn't my ideal, doing something that I deem meaningful is very important. (if not, what's the point?) And, given some of the things that have happened during these last couple of years, it seems I was exactly where I needed to be. 

All that said, it's also time for change. 

 

St.Augustine and Fay

This is the third time that I've started this little update. It's just been so long now it's hard to even begin. And then I managed to delete an entire section which made it that much harder to begin; knowing I have to rewrite.  Sometimes I wish I was a little more methodical, that I could write and rewrite these things so that they flow and are minus the mistakes. But no, that's just not my way.  Instead I blather on and on.  And on that note I better actually begin to recount.  

Well it's raining, again, still, here in FL.  This time it has a little something to do with Tropical Storm Fay. She's still trying to make up her mind whether or not she wants to go for it and become a hurricane....I'm hoping she does.....I know the damage blah blah blah but she'd only get to a category 1.  It's so funny I've met a few people who have been like 'you're from ca, aren't you scared of earthquakes'.  UMMMM You live where there is a threat of major hurricanes every year and during the wet season you have to run inside every time there's thunder because you may get struck by lightening.......and you're asking me about earthquakes.  Not to undermine the great force of an earthquake and the potential for harm, but come on.  (Who's gonna have the last laugh if I get home and 'the big one' finally hits!!!)

Back to Fay. She has mucked up my plans a smidgen.  I had been up in Northern Florida. I spent the week camping. First at Alexander Springs in Ocala National Forest, then Flagler Beach and finally Anastasia State Park. This is not the best time to be camping in Florida. It's sooooo hot and humid, it rains nearly every day; and wet equals mosquito season. Besides the mosquitoes, who love me, there are so many f$#$%@ bugs it drives me crazy, and it seems like they all bite. Not to mention some big spiders. Huge. Banana spiders. They like my car.  I don't like that. The picture does not do the creepy little thing justice!!  

  

Eventually I ended up in some crap motel for a night in St.Augustine.  St.Augustine is the oldest continually occupied European settlement in the continental U.S and it's a great place to just wander around. You can tour several of the buildings, some of which date back to the 1700's, and there's also a fort that was built by the Spanish in the 1600's. If you're in the mood for museums there are several large and small.  What's really interesting about many of those earlier buildings is that they are built out of blocks of coquina (sedimentary rock made of shells) so you can see and feel all of the shells that make up the walls...very neat.  

After a day in St. Augustine, while staying in the crap motel, I checked the weather and there was Fay so instead of heading straight down to the Everglades and the Florida Keys I'm back at grandpa's for a few days. At this point I'm not sure what I'm going to do next.  I'd like to head down to the keys and scuba dive, maybe take the advanced open water course.  It's been so long since I've been I'd like to take a refresher first, not to mention my apprehension about my 'buoyancy'.  I wish my dive buddy was here : (    I was certified originally in Australia where it was cheap and awesome!!  It was two days in the classroom and three days liveaboard where we did nine dives including a night dive.  And after all of the things that I've done, and places I've been, diving on the great barrier reef  is still one of my favorite experiences.  

*update 8/21/08 Tropical storm was very wet but never upgraded to a hurricane. Here in Port Saint Lucie lots of flooding in places but not in the vicinity of the house.  It's actually still windy and rainy and will continue to be the next day or so.